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Now, as my wife, Helga, will tell you (and anyone else within a five-mile radius), I am a GIANT in the field of spending money at the hardware store. And by combining my vast personal experience with extensive research (which included looking up the word “economy” in the dictionary), I believe I have unraveled the mysteries surrounding the economics of tool buying. I have chosen to give it the modest title: The Grand Unification Theory of Hardware Acquisition.
It is my supposition that, in the end, all tools cost the same price, and that price is $1,500. Now, like gravity and the notion that the world is round, I realize that this idea is ahead of its time and it will be met with resistance. Allow me to assure you that I arrived at this conclusion in a sober state, and I can offer convincing evidence of its veracity.
First, consider the table saw — the king of shop tools. For about $1,500 a woodworker can buy a Delta Unisaw. Our intrepid buyer can rest assured this tool will last him the rest of his natural life — regardless of any advances in medical technology. If, on the other hand, he purchases a $500 contractor’s saw, he should expect to replace it two more times during his life. Correspondingly, those buyers whose wives will only allow them to invest in a $150 table saw are destined to buy 10 of them before they punch their timecards for the last time.
I know what you’re thinking, “Sure, your theory works fine for the big stationary equipment, but there’s no way anyone is going to spend $1,500 on a hammer.” Au contraire, that’s the beauty of the system. The smaller the tool, the more likely you are to misplace it — forcing you to buy another. The Department of Defense has recognized this principle for years. Consequently, it has taken a proactive stance by paying the entire cost of hammers up-front. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
Of course, as with all advances in human enlightenment, there is a dark side.
I arrived home the other night to find Helga sitting comfortably in front of a shiny new sewing machine. Being an expert in assessing the value of ANYTHING based on its number of buttons, I realized this “tool” was roughly the same price as a fully equipped sport/utility vehicle. Nonetheless, being a glutton for punishment, I had to ask….
She just smiled and said, “Based on the conventional wisdom, it’s safe to assume your granddaughter will be using THIS to make HER granddaughter’s wedding dress….” It was clear her logic would be indisputable. So I poured a drink and retired for the evening, comfortable in the knowledge that my philosophy was right. I was broke, but I was right. PW
Author Walt Akers lives in Seaford, Virginia.
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