We may receive a commission when you use our affiliate links. However, this does not impact our recommendations.
I was about 12′ up in the rafters of a barn, climbing on the biggest mountain of Eastern white pine I’ve ever seen. Then I saw it above me: a monster 5/4 board that was at least 20″ wide.
And it was on the top of the stack of lumber , easy pickings. But then my joy turned quickly to revulsion.
While building projects often seems like an adventure, hunting the wood can sometimes feel like a movie , sometimes it’s “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” sometimes it’s “Drugstore Cowboy” and other times it’s “Dumb and Dumber.”
I’ve been in a barn full of walnut that was ruled by legions of swooping bats and twitchy raccoons. I’ve met guys in their garages in the dead of night to trade cash for cambium. And I’ve bought wood from a professional cabinetmaker who sold me all his curly maple for half price. (“I hate it when I get curly wood. Ugly,” he said.)
So there I was with both hands on that big pine board when I saw that some mammal had left me a heaping organic present in the middle of this monster board.
I called down to Senior Editor Glen Huey at the bottom of the stack. “Aw man, there’s a big pile of poo on this board.”
“I hate it when there’s dog crap on the wood,” Glen replied.
“Glen,” I asked. “How in the world could a dog possibly get up here?”
Glen replied, “OK, how big is the pile?”
“Too big.” I took another look and carefully shifted the plank aside to get the board below it.
All in all, it was well worth the trip out to the barn. I ended up with some boards that were wider than 15″ , and one that was 17-1/2″. And it’s nice stuff , not at all crappy.
– Christopher Schwarz
Looking for More Woodworking Information?
– Sign up for our newsletters to get free plans, techniques and reviews HERE.
– Looking for free articles from Woodworking Magazine? Click HERE.
– Like hand tools? Read all our online articles on hand work HERE.
– Want to subscribe to Woodworking Magazine? It’s $19.96/year. Click HERE.
Here are some supplies and tools we find essential in our everyday work around the shop. We may receive a commission from sales referred by our links; however, we have carefully selected these products for their usefulness and quality.
My wood storage shed is open to all kinds of critters… domestic and wild so finding poo on boards is not uncommon. Over the years I’ve had skunks, woodchucks, and myriad mice and voles living in and under the shed. The neighborhood cats also took to using it as an out-house. Unfortunately, my urban setting precludes dealing with these critters in an appropriate manner–how dare the defile my precious cherry, walnut, maple, pine and white oak!
My luck changed a few weeks ago though when a new critter moved in. I saw it’s tracks in the fresh snow several times but figured it was just passing through until I noticed a lot of tracks going into the woodshed. So, what is my new woodshed resident? A red fox! As a bonus the new critter takes care of all the other critters! No more cat poo!!! I’m very happy to have him and keep thinking it odd that I’ve got a fox guarding my wood. This especially in light of the fact that in a former life the shed housed as many as 100 rabbits and the fox would have been the unwelcome critter. ;~)
I think "scat" would be the proper term. Especially if my guess is correct that the offending substance came from a raccoon rather than a dog. They like places like barns and my attic.
You know, I hate to say it, but the thing I focused on while reading this post was not the 20" pine, or the ‘secret source’ barn, or anything to do w/ woodworking. It was the fact that a grown man, w/ another grown man being spoken to, said the word ‘poo.’ 🙂 I’ll be the first one to admit I have an expletive problem, but poo? C’mon, Chris. lol
Your ribbing friend,
Chris – Think you already know this, but 20" wide Eastern White Pine is nearly unobtainable – it’s considerably more rare than 20" wide cherry, walnut, maple or mahogany. There’s good reason for this – most of the forest of the Northeastern United States was clear-cut by the 1920’s, and 20" wide Eastern White pine takes a longer than 80 years to grow. Not only that, but not all 20" wide EWP is created equal – much of the EWP for sale now is fast-growth wood that contains a lot of "earlywood" mixed throughout. The old growth stuff has nearly indiscernable growth rings, and a decidedly pinkish cast to the heartwood, which usually makes up 80% or more of the width of the board.
If that description matches what you left behind, you made a mistake. Go back and get it.
For table legs I once bought some 12/4 cherry squares that had been in a barn for decades. They were covered with dried chicken "droppings". As I scraped off the droppings, I vacuumed any debris. I also wore a dust mask. I wasn’t sure if chicken crap, like pigeon crap, could carry the dangerous histoplasmosis spores. I later found it can.
When I planed the wood I discovered the most dramatic curly cherry figuring I’ve ever seen. By the time I got back to the dealer, the rest of the squares were gone.
Loved this post… I surmise that some other woodworker saw that piece and just wanted to "claim" it for a future purchase… sort of like licking your food before friends or family are able to get their grubby hands on it.
On occasion I hear the Raiders of the Lost Ark theme in my head when I enter my local hardwood supply and start my feverish search through the piles so I know what you mean. As long as your not reminded of "The Crying Game" in your search for wood than it’s not all that bad in my book. ;-]
This is exactly why the CRAP wood should be the stuff on the top of the stack.
Chris,
If you thought you may have driven people INSANE trying to find SYP, folks will be kicking down your doors if you get them going on wide pine. I have to see this one!
You know, I got about 3/4 of the way into this story, read about the … "organic present" … then had to scroll back up to re-check the picture to make sure what registered as dark work gloves at first glance was not, in fact, hand-shaped poo.
I envy you guys with readily accessible hardwood stocks. I live in the middle of the Canadian prairies. There are basically no locally available hardwoods, nobody with a bandsaw mill, no hardwood sawmills, no old barns with wood in the attic.
Furthermore, there are no flea markets selling old tools, almost no estate sales with anything worth buying, and the only antique dealers want stupid amounts of money for junk.
So…if you’ve got this stuff available locally, be thankful and enjoy it.
And you saw this 20" wide board where? And how do I get there? ; )
Kari, Fearless of Poo
You did the right thing. We don’t need poo wood in this house, no matter how wide the board. Poo diamonds might be another story.
Lucy, Wife of the Schwarz
It’s Columbian, man. The good stuff. Uncut.
Chris
How much you offering for cambium?
Ah. Got it. Sorry I misunderstood!
Chris
I completely agree! It takes me much less time to surface a 20" board with hand planes than to surface, joint, glue up, and sand four 5" boards. I think what I’m trying to say is that I’m not suprised woodworkers want wide boards; I’m just surprised most of them have so much difficulty finding them when there are so many independent sawyers who are cutting them.
Wide boards are one of the great reasons to learn to wield handplanes.
You are limited only by the length of your arms.
And I think you already have your fair share of wide stock. 😉
Chris
I’m always surprised by how much other woodworkers covet wide boards. Find a guy with a bandsaw mill (like me) and most will have a variety of wide boards on hand (www.forestryforum.com/datasearch.html has a list of sawyers all over the world if you’re not sure where to start). I have 24" red oak, 18" yellow pine, 16" birch, 16" white oak, and 12" red cedar boards stacked to the rafters in my barn. But most people want the 6 or 8" boards that will slide over their jointers. I cut the wide lumber for myself…
Oh, and I’ll take the poo board if you don’t want it!
I have two kids and three baby sisters. Perhaps I’ve just reached my limit….
Chris
Dude, get over the poo! A 20" wide 5/4 board? I guess that with having two dogs, three cats & four kids poo doesn’t bother me the way it used to. lol
Gene,
I was afraid if I’d used gloves then I’d get a stoning like Glen Huey did (wink). That joke never gets old.
I left the 20" board behind. But I know where it is.
Chris
That’s what the gloves are for. Don’t tell me you let a little poo prevent you from taking the big board!