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This year we are going to sell T-shirts at Woodworking in America. I swear this on a stack of Joseph Moxons. But we need your help.
You see, we’d like to have a humorous slogan on the shirt, but we’re not funny enough to come up with anything suitably clever. All our slogans sound something like:
“Show me your feathered crotch!” (That was mine.)
“Wanna feel my fleam?” (Megan.)
“Gee, I’ve got cramps.” (Megan, Glen and me.)
“I got hammered at WIA.”
And so on.
So we’d like you to help us craft a slogan for our T-shirts. We’re shooting for seven words or less. And it would be great if the slogan was funny, unlike ours. And it would be great if you could wear it to a church picnic, unlike ours.
So post your entries in the comments below before noon EST on Friday, Aug. 20. The winner will receive a T-shirt (surprise!), untold fame and Bob Vila’s flowery underpants (shown above, not actual size, offer not valid in Guam).
– Christopher Schwarz
P.S. Woodworking in America is sold out, but you can still get on the waiting list or come for the un-freaking-believable Marketplace (just $7 for two days). Check it out here.
Here are some supplies and tools we find essential in our everyday work around the shop. We may receive a commission from sales referred by our links; however, we have carefully selected these products for their usefulness and quality.
I am a leg (vice) man.
Everyone has a vice…mine is a twin screw.
Woodworking in America:
Where its not the size of your tool,
But how you use it that counts!
Woodworking in America
Cause it’s all about the
SAWDUST!!
WIA: Kinda like Woodstock, but with tools
Woodworking in America: In the persuit of fewer heirloom toothpicks.
I’ve an AXE to grind with you! With a picture of Roy Underhill
Some times an extension is just a table.
Got Scales? Go fish.
Location, location, location. Measure twice.
In a land before longitude.
Let there be light but we got MDF.
Birthers should be sawn -not heard.
On the 7th day he rested and watched Norm.
And Noah yet asks -what’s a cubit?
All’s fair in love and wood.
All the world is a stage and it’s wood mind ye.
KNOT playing at WOOD-STOCK
"What a bunch of tools / None of them are very sharp"
Irritating wives since 2008.
WIA: cool tools and the Wizard of Saws
I got my case hardened at WIA.
We saw a lot
at…
Woodworking In America
I hung out with the other squares at WIA
WIA: Kerf’s Up!
WIA: I put my axe into it.
I went Log Wild at WIA.
in reference to an old Buick commercial:
Front: Wouldn’t you rather drive a nail through it
Back: Just say no to plastic furniture
How about:
"That’s NOT firewood, its my next project"
or
"If you wanna be a millionaire, start woodworking with 2million"
or
"These aren’t a bunch of tools, their my kids inheritance"
or
"I thought I knew a lot, I went to WIA, now I have a lot to learn"
or
"WIA, only for the strong at heart"
Working wood- let the chips fall where they may
scrap wood
old tools
day off
HEAVEN!!
If BOARD I WOOD LOG OFF
or more simply:
Our vices are plane.
Do you really want to say ‘the log won’ at a conference like this? Funny but a bad reflection on the toolmakers, not to mention the craftsmen!
Our vices are plane at this joint.
"I Work for Tools"
"Ask Yourself… What Wood Norm Do?"
"My Friends are a Bunch of Tools"
"Wood You Be Mine"
"I (heart) Wood… Because I’m a Tool"
"May the Grain be with You"
"Pimp my Wood"
"Everyone Loves my Wood"
"Been There… Sawed That."
I’ll take the sticks and you get the stones…
What can you do with your wood ???
What will you do with your wood ???
My wife suggested the following:
I came
I saw
I measured
I sawed again
Greg
It’s what kind of wood????
It’s from where?????
Wow thats cool!
WIA 2010
The Schwarz Revival
Front: WIA 2010 in small letters
Back: Large single color graphic of Chris
with WIA 2010 in larger letters
I’m not sure if this would be considered humorous but I’d buy one.
George
If I had a hammer I’d????
1)WIA (in government block letters)
So much better than the CIA
2)WIA
Here to establish wood domination
3) WIA
Our goal is wood domination
Fundamental Forces of the Cosmos
Strong Interatomic Forces
Weak Interatomic Forces
Gravity
Magnetism
Shellac
Any Questions?
WIA Cincinnati – Strop ’til You Drop
WIA – Knatty Nickers For Everyone (front)
Working Wood With Handtools – Never Out Of Fashion (back)
If you can read this, you’re probably in my shop–don’t touch ANYTHING!
Measure twice Cut once Sit in the moaning chair
runcinavi, serravi, superavi
(I planed, I sawed, I conquered)
Craftsmen do it on the edge (may not pass the church-picnic test. and I’m not even certain whether I like it or not, but there you go…)
How about just the word "Craftsman" on the front? No, it’s not funny, but it might be kinda cool…
I’ll probably come back for a third round, at least…
Ben
I fought the log and the log won.
There is no such thing as too many vices!
"Board Feet" is Not an Ailment.
Does this shirt make my Ash look fat?
"and you will know us by the trail of sawdust."
borrowing, if I remember correctly, from C. Schwarz:"holding furniture-shaped objects in disdain since 2009"
"You’re doing it wrong!"
"Ask me about my duplex fillister" (or moving fillister…or whatever’s funny…if anything along these lines is…sigh…)
As always, I’ll probably come up with more right after I post this, so…
"You can have my infill plane when you pry my cold dead fingers from the tote."
My only transgression: WIA 2010
Where’d you ever get such a fine, sweet axe?
~or~
I never saw such a fine, sweet axe before.
(Obviously, axe and saw graphics)
The same as my six word epitaph:
‘Keep your feet off the furniture.’
Stephen
If woodworking be the food of love then plane on.
Come and wedge your tenon at WIA.
I got my tenon wedged at WIA.
I’m with the crook.
Finger joint with a picture of a finger and a joint!
Apparently I go against the grain.
If I see another chisel I’ll skew!
Cheers
Michael
Wooworking is easy when you don’t know how, but very difficult when you do.
Thou shalt not covet my tools.
Tools make the man.
"No, there is NOT an ap for that!"
"Woodworking in America…
Because they won’t let us on a plane with our tools"
Woodworking in America: Put your cheek on my shoulder
WIA: Galoots R US
Picture of dividers followed by:
"Divide and Conquer"
or a slight modification of the one above (Jeremy Kriewaldt’s):
"All my other shirts are flannel"
Jon Shakespear
Chris did what with his pricker?!
WIA 2010
I CAME.
I SAW.
I …
… actually, can I borrow some money for food.
Real Galoots eat nails for breakfast.
Ya … well you’ve got a big Galootius Maximus!
Woodworking.
the orgasm of wood when touched by steel
-Eric
Hide glue: Not just for breakfast anymore.
Be sure to read, understand, and follow…
How about :
Hug a Galoot
or
If woodworking were exercise you could bounce a quarter off my butt
Geoff M
1. WIA – Where all joints are legal.
2. WIA – Woodworking in America is W_here I_ts A_t!
3. Its more than plane – its fantastic.
4. Not so plane anymore!
5. Its not about the tool – its what you did with it.
6. So much wood, so little time.
First, who goes to church picnics anymore? And if you are clever enough, the people who are pure enough to get offended won’t get the joke (^:
Just make sure it is funny. (Not saying my ideas below will be!)
>>WIA: More tools in one place than ComicCon
>>WWRD? (subtitle: What Would Roubo Do?)
>>I cut it twice and it’s still too short! (full disclosure: somebody’s forum signature on WN or SMC)
>>Honey, I can build that much cheaper!
>>Top 10 Woodworking phrases that sound dirty but aren’t:
_____I can’t get it to go in the hole!
_____Is this wood too hard?
_____Darn, I just stripped my nuts!
_____Just pound it in!
_____Aim for a friction fit.
_____Don’t clamp it too tight or you’ll get squeeze out
_____Rub out the finish
_____Proper layout is critical
_____Big Wood Vise
_____Foreplayne
_____Jackplane
_____Tails first
(need help with more here but you get the idea!)
Front: What does Rev. Ron, St. Roy and the Schwarz have in common?
Back Wood Working in America 2010
What happens in WIA
Stays in WIA
NOW I can start your project, Honey.
Mark
Wood-plane fun
Wood-The original green material
It’s knot a mistake, it’s a design enhancement!
Sawdust? What sawdust? (with a picture of a sawdust covered woodworker)
Saw dust? I saw wood!
Why yes, that Is a chip on my shoulder!
Laurie
Square is an enigma
I snuck everything else into the shop
In Lignum Veritas
(truth is in wood)
WIA 2010 Remix – Unplugged
(It’s like an obscure band you never heard of, but even cooler)
You have to eat a lot of sawdust before you get to the knot hole!
Kerf’s You!
(graphic of plane)
Wore a plane shirt at the WIA
(graphic of rabbet joint)
I’m hunting screwy rabbets at the WIA
(graphic of joint)
Happiness is Tongue and Groove
(Graphic of wood vice)
Woodworking is my favorite Vice
WIA: Just plane boring (with, of course, a picture of a plane and a brace)
I’m plane fun.
I’m into plane fun.
Just plane fun.
Sorry, I’m love aircraft too…… it’s hopeless. :p
If it’s a caption for the photo at the beginning of the blog, I submit
"Real Woodworkers Always Wear Jeans."
Two columns: "Progress"
30,000 BC Today
Picture of sharp rock – Picture of handplane
Picture of blunt rock – Picture of hammer
Picture of caveman – Same picture of caveman
I have a chip on my shoulder.
or
I have several chips on my shoulder
"Woodworkers do it with eye protection…"
Or
"United We Sand"
How about
Woodworking – The third oldest profession.
Actually, I like "Be a joiner…"
The Head on a Babe comment is me…I’m really not tryin to be anonymous. I’m just stupid.
I’d use Kari’s Photoshopped "Chris’s Head on a Babe" with the slogan: I GOT WOOD AT WIA, or for the more PC crowd, WIA – NOT JUST A WOODFEST. You can donate my royalties to your favorite church.
WIA
21st Century Technology
for
18th Century Techniques!
— playing with the phonetically similar interpretation of WIA, WE-A…
-If WIA can dream it… WIA can build it.
(if too long can remove the "cans" and dispose of in the proper recycling bins)
-YES WIA CAN!
Woodworking… Better more off than Moron.
Recession? I’ll scrape by.
A few ideas:
WIA: Knot your average bunch of tools.
Woodworkers are plane sharp people.
Woodworkers: Not your average Knotheads.
Be a joiner, start woodworking.
Woodworking is green! And red and black and blue…
Its not scrap, I am recycling..
Blood, sweat, tears.. Who needs stain?
Woodworking in America: Pioneering organic profanity since 1607.
WIA 2010: Cut, gouged, scraped, hammered, planed, finshed. And I loved it!
WIA 2010: So much fun its almost illeagal.
Rick
Firemen may be hot, but Cabinet makers have Hardwood!
I guess it should be:
"How much wood would a woodchuck chuck???….
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck???…..
Just one of Chris’s Roubo(tic) followers
"Turning Big Wood into Little Wood On Purpose"
"Sawing Logs Since Sometime This Morning"
"Someday, I Swear, I’m Gonna Build That Roubo"
I wood. So you can wood, too.
I’ll wood if you’ll wood!
I’m planed flat, straight, and smooth since attending Woodworking In America.
Back in a minute, I need to make more sawdust.
Put a dovetail in it!
Power tools are faster, but hand tools are more sensual.
I mortise so I can joint.
I admit it: I’m a chiseler.
My bench is bigger than your bench.
"The best wood is in the crotch"
So much wood, so little time.
Wood
(Picture of Jesus Winking and giving the thumbs up)
Its biblical
I’ve been jointed, you get planed.
I got clamps, lets glue together.
Front of Shirt: "I have no wood."
Back of Shirt: "Will work for wood."
Front of Shirt: "I have no wood."
Back of Shirt: "Will work for wood."
1. Every time I hand cut I cut hand.
2. I tuned my woody at WIA.
I wood.
( insert favorite hand tool picture with model here )
wood you?
Re comment 1 – My son said I should amend my recommendation by adding on the back of the shirt
"And none of them are very sharp"
"My other shirts are plaid"
Planes are tools too!!!
– Got Wood? (OK – doesn’t pass the church picnic test)
– Woodworking in America – est. 1607 (see: Jamestown)
– The Schwarz IS with me!
– WIA: Hand Tools, Fine Woods and Puffy Shirts, Oh My!
– WIA: Tools of Joy
Gene
"Got Wood?" With a cartoon bust of Schwarz, complete with planer shaving beard.
"Kerf’s Up" (with a saw riding a surfboard or something)
My Dad went to WIA and all I got was a txt saying there was no money left for T-shirts after he bought his tools.
"I planed, I sawed, I conquered"
Jay Tennier
"What a bunch of Tools" surrounded, of course, by a bunch of tools.